But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.
I Thessalonians 4:13 (ESV)
I have been thinking about grieving because my mother passed away recently. As Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote in ‘Death: The Final Stage of Growth’ (1997), ‘Confrontation with death and dying can enrich one’s life and help one to become a more human and humane person.’ Grieving not only has increased my reservoir of compassion, kindness, and understanding, it has also brought some unique observations:
Grieving causes a crisis of identity. Who I thought I was and what I thought I knew about the world now needs to square with the reality of death. Even though there is a desire for things to go back to the way they were—accepting that they won’t is essential to moving forward.
Grieving has a purifying effect, a way of lasering away the mundane. As daily life gets disrupted, it causes me to regard my surroundings, routines, and habits in a new way. I let go of some things and embrace others. Grieving is a forward-propelling life event.
Grieving during the Victorian era required following dress codes and etiquette. There were two distinct periods of mourning: first mourning (or full mourning) and second mourning (or half mourning). Wives, for instance, whose husbands had passed were expected to be in full mourning for at least two years. There was also no such thing as grieving too long. Queen Victoria grieved the loss of Prince Albert for the rest of her life. By comparison, today there are no discernible rules.
Grieving increases emotional flexibility. I have more bandwidth because while I am resisting the urge to deny my grief I am also making room to experience a full range of feelings. Life is still unpredictable, but faith is a stabilizer, and I can rise above uncertainty.
Grieving enables me to be at peace with ambiguity, trusting that answers will be revealed in time. Instead of trying to control what happens next, I can relax into a sacred invigorating of the present, including unexpected connections and deeper relationships. The possibilities for my life under God’s creative guidance are endless and my future once again is filled with hope.